Здравствуйте, comrade reader! (This Russian for “hello.”)
My name Dmitri. I new commissar-in-chief of Bold Italic, now subsidiary of Russian State Media Enterprises. We are unbiased, nonpartisan news source wholly owned by Kremlin. (Do not worry — same Bold Italic, now translated “жирный курсив.”)
We thrilled to bring news coverage of American San Francisco culture under new Premiere Trump!
Hail powerful Premiere Trump!
When I write this, unpaid American magazine intern tell me, “Dmitri, election not until next week.” But you know what I say? I pat intern head affectionately and say, “Little prole, in Russia, government know election winner long before votes cast.”
Anyway, articles from the week.
Worst Subscription Boxes
Capitalism in America fascinating. You subscribe to box full of dog bandannas every month? Moss box? Anal toys? This really blow Dmitri mind.
How Tindering in LA Led to the Craziest Sexual Experience of My Life
American dating habits make no sense to Dmitri.
The Most Existentially Spooky Places in the Bay Area
Halloween spookies? Children afraid of haunted house and goblin. Adult afraid of traffic, sex dysfunction and hangover.
Festival Stories: Meet the Weirdos of Hardly Strictly
Is America having many wizards, or just in San Francisco? So much Dmitri must learn about United States.
