It’s a fact of Bay Area life that renters must contort and compromise in ways residents of other cities would balk at. Buildings are old, electrical outlets are scarce, and vacancy rates are low. The average rent of a one-bedroom apartment in San Francisco is a whopping $3,629 a month. For that amount of money, is it too much to ask that my kitchen layout be less scrambled than the eggs I’m making for breakfast?

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I like my kitchen appliances the way I like my children — in a predictable location.Alas, that’s a hard feature to come by in a rental here. I’ve scoured the current rental listings to hunt down the most egregious examples of misplaced domestic machines. Here’s a roundup of the most errant, wayward, unruly, out-of-pocket, and otherwise disorderly kitchen appliances of the Bay Area.

A lonely stove

Why is this Russian Hill stove cowering in the corner like it’s done something wrong?

Pardon me

I hope you’re feeling funky, because if you want to enter this Nob Hill kitchen, you’ll have to shuffle in sideways past the fridge.

Hazard calling

I don’t care what anyone says about brooms or ironing boards. These tall, thin doors are private entrances for Slenderman. (As if we don’t have enough to worry about.) At least this Millbrae landlord has the good sense to set up a tripwire.

Tiny window blocker

I’m not a feng shui expert, but I’m not ruling out this North Beach fridge’s position as the source of every disastrous event of 2020.

A lonely fridge

“Hey, could you grab me a beer from the fridge? You need to go completely through the kitchen and past the water heater. It’s right next to the Slenderman door. You can’t miss it.”

Haiku for an Inner Sunset Stove

I rarely see you.
You’re almost out the back door.
When did our love fade?

This is awkward

“Oh, Fridge, this is kinda awkward. My mom said I could only invite one appliance to my Rockridge kitchen sleepover, and I chose the stove.”

That’s one way to do it

Quiz: Is this a Lower Pac Heights kitchen or a sixth-season episode of Game of Thrones?

A perplexing situation in the Marina

Apparently this is the best picture of this Marina kitchen, because it’s the only one posted in the listing. The position of that power cord tells me all I need to know.

Man the kitchen

“I’m a fridge, but I’m also the bouncer at this Clement Street kitchen. Sir, I’m going to need to see some ID before I can let you in. Sir… SIR!!!”

Have an errant kitchen appliance of your own to share? Drop us a note at info@thebolditalic.com.