Just because this series has taken a short hiatus doesn’t mean job posters in the Bay Area have gotten any less desperate. This month, we’ve got people looking for ladies (but only because the doctor ordered them), weed and Kevin. Let’s see how the gig economy has now become the go-to method for finding kinship.
Mandatory Hot-Tubbing
What: Optimistically, this is an ad for someone trying to save water with a typically underpaid member of the workforce. They were given the arduous recommendation of relaxing after hours of tire throwing, and they need someone to do it with them so it’s not a drain on our natural resources.
The Good: You’re getting paid decently to just be in a hot tub. I assume the range in compensation depends on how much you nod your head in agreement with whatever the person who posted this ad is saying.
The Bad: You’re definitely going to feel hands where they shouldn’t be. When you ask about it, you will hear “Oh, what? Haha! Must be these bubbles! So what’s being a woman like? Hot?”
A Different Type of Foot Fetish
What: This person needs a detached foot made of salt. Why? Keep your damn questions to yourself.
The Good: SOMA has some really nice bars.
The Bad: You have to make a foot from Himalayan salt, preferably with a laser cutter—all for no pay. It says to send a quote, but I think they just mean an inspirational one to look at each day you’re carving a foot out of salt and questioning your fine-arts degree.
Pay Will Be in Ki$$e$
What: Someone is ready to get married, and if you’re Latin, strong, over 38 and have a photo of yourself, it could be to you, Papa.
The Good: Alamo Square has some really nice bars.
The Bad: As far as jobs go, this is a potentially liftetime gig with no pay. That’s as bad as it gets.
If You’re Kevin, You’re Hired
What: A work buddy potentially named Kevin. The work isn’t listed, and the poster’s name isn’t listed, so I assume it’s for a mob.
The Good: If your name is Kevin and you’ve ever worked alongside a person on Fillmore Street, looks like you just became $150 richer.
The Bad: $150 is pretty terrible pay for mob work.
This Person Has Never Walked Outside
What: If you have weed and can keep up the charade that you’re the only one in town who does, you’ve got a customer.
The Good: The ad doesn’t specify how much weed is needed. Since this person doesn’t seem to be hip to how things work, I think you could get $75 to split a joint and listen to their Rick and Morty conspiracy theories, which is pretty good money.
The Bad: Trying to keep them in the house for the rest of the time they live in San Francisco to ensure your income.
No Room for Foodies in the Siding Business
What: Just a siding helper. Not a winer (whiner? winner? weiner?), just a sider.
The Good: You can text all day; you just can’t ever ever mention the food you had last night. Other than that, text away!
The Bad: You will never be able to buy dinner again, because you’re making $15 a day.
