Sunday. While watching Obama pardon a turkey, you suddenly realize you don’t even have your Thanksgiving plane tickets. Your parents are gonna be furious! You click over to one of those bullshit travel-agent aggregator sites and spend 225% more on plane tickets because you bought them last minute. Your blood pressure rises the same percentage as you fumble for your credit card. Read Alexandra Bunting’s guide on how to cope with Thanksgiving air-travel anxiety. Protip: befriend the flight attendants.
Monday. Pretty much all your high school friends have moved away from your home town by now, except for Jill, who works at the Antique Shop and General Store, and whose Instagram feed you find provincial and sad, even if her abilities to resist the temptations of meth are impressive. She sends you this article about Orphan Thanksgivings in a not-so-subtle attempt to get you to invite her over.
Tuesday. When you arrive at work, you hear the news: Obama just announced a coup d’etat against the Trump transition team, a boldfaced attempt to stop a totalitarian from taking office. While you support the coup, the downside is that all flights are canceled while the Air Force sorts out their loyalties. Looks like you’re staying in SF for Thanksgiving. Here’s a list of ways to spend the day if you’re staying in town.
Wednesday. While sitting next to an Obama-loyal National Guardsman on Muni, you swipe through your Twitter feed, which is pretty much a 50–50 split between live coup d’etat coverage and Thanksgiving memes. You start to wonder if this whole Thanksgiving thing is just imperialist bullshit. Coincidentally, you find this article about what Native Americans want you to know on Thanksgiving, and share it.
Thursday. The big day is finally here. While F-22s zoom overhead, off to fight Trump loyalists in the Central Valley, you have a near-vacant city to yourself. Luckily, you printed this Thanksgiving bingo card before the power went out.
Thursday Night (Thanksgiving). Ah, the big night! Sure, the power is out, and sure, the Emergency Alert System is commanding you to evacuate before the #TrumpTrain militia arrives from the east, but it’s Thanksgiving, dammit! You and your friends gather for your first Orphan Thanksgiving. Literally — your parents died in a firefight in central Ohio, which is basically a wasteland right now. After capturing one of the wild turkeys roaming around the Presidio, you cook it on a public grill in Golden Gate Park, while you and your friends huddle around the flame. What about the leftovers? Here’s a recipe to turn leftovers into a Thanksgiving burrito.
Friday. The Trump Tower was destroyed this morning, and New Yorkers are celebrating. Also, good news: the Fightin’ 33rd Lake Merritt Militia stopped the advancing Trump army before they got to the Bay Bridge. You feel like you should do some Black Friday shopping to celebrate, so you turn to this list of quirky and weird local stores where you can do just that. Hopefully your credit card still works.
Saturday. It looked like the Democrats had won, but then the entire state of Texas fell under Trump’s command. It’s on! You feel an urge to join up with your local army, the Lower Haight Obamaniacs (41st division). Your local recruitment officer, seargant N. Pelosi, tells you you’ll need to scrounge up some camo and boots if you want to enlist. Fortunately, we put together this list of the best thrift stores in SF, which are sure to have all your post-apocalyptic militiawear needs covered.
