’Tis the season to figure out who goes on your shopping list so you don’t feel guilty when your coworker hands you a gift, and you’re empty handed. In the suburbs, people know their mailmen and usually bake cookies accordingly. In the city, we also come into contact with a lot of people who deserve a little holiday cheer. But what to get your dick landlord? There’s a gift for that.
For your Burner roommate whom you found on Craigslist:
Head to Fabric Outlet in the Mission and pick up a few yards of fake fur for your roomie to bring to the Playa. Even if you’re not totally sure what the hell the fur is used for, be assured that your Burner buddy will find ways to cover his bikes, tents and body parts with the fabric. The Playa provides, and so do you.
For your friend who stood in line for Hamilton tickets for you:
OK, she technically didn’t stand in line — she waited in a Sartre-esque virtual waiting room for eons — but it’s the sacrifice still counts. Give the gift of a new watch so she knows how you value her time, and so she can keep counting down the days until you get to hear “My Shot” sung live. These are handmade in San Francisco by Tree Hut. It’s hip to #shoplocal.
For your start-up cofounder you fired and then sued, but want to make amends with in 2017:
Since equity is out of the question, something a little less valuable will have to do. Buy your former partner a new office supply…for his new office. A Brookstone Shiatsu Seat Massager might be the perfect antidote to feeling stressed about unemployment, betrayal and losing a company you helped build. Plus it has a heating pad.
For your landlord who raised your rent 50 percent this year:
Send a bag of dicks to the same place where you mail your rent check. These anonymous bag-of-dick gummies have an optional glitter or penis confetti add-on. It’s less risky than shitting on their doorstep.
For your friends who always bring Trader Joe’s frozen meals to your nice adulting dinner parties:
These people need to learn how to cook. A membership to cooking community center 18 Reasons in the Mission means discounts on cooking classes and access to a cookbook lending library for them, and a strong chance of increased food quality and sharing for you.
For the Uber driver who didn’t charge you the cleaning fee even though you threw up in their car after SantaCon:
This person is a saint who deserves to be celebrated every day of the year. Sending flowers isn’t enough; instead, keep their car smelling sweet (instead of like your vomit) with this hippie-dippy natural car freshener from Etsy. The Om Sweet Om California Reclaimed Birch Aromatherapy Oil Diffuser is meant to “remind you of the four elements of California — the ocean, mountains, deserts and valleys,” so maybe reminding them of that will help them forget the mess you made, and you can get your passenger rating back up to a 4.5.
For your Instacart delivery person:
This person never judges when you order a box of condoms, a tub of cookie dough, a bottle of wine and a bag of organic kale every week. Thank them for their silence by slipping them this “Thank You for Not Judging Me” card (or buy them a whole set) next time they deliver to your door. Include a Green Apple Books gift card. It’s classier than cash.
For your fuck buddy from Tinder:
Sure, the SHN Hamilton tickets that are left are expensive and mostly obscured view seats, but what says, “Happy Holidays, let’s keep doing this!” like a $500 seat where you can see the main stage if you lean the right way? You’re definitely going to keep getting laid until April if you buy tickets for a spring show.
