It’s a new year, and you’re resolved to find love. Why not try online dating (again)? A well-written profile turns me on because I’m a sapiosexual.
(Just kidding. In my book, anyone who uses “sapiosexual,” “polymath,” “autodidact,” “cosmopolitan,” “partner in crime,” “supersmart,” “vaccinated” and “unicorn” in their profile is going to be automatically left swiped.)
Selecting your profile photos comes with its own set of rules. The tiger selfies, the shot of you doing a handstand at Machu Picchu, the picture of you naked-tractor-riding — these pics will not get you a date. Be reasonable.
First, a Few Don’ts
Introducing yourself in a few hundred characters can be so tricky for daters that many opt out—or write something like, “Filling this out does not tell the story of an individual, just what that individual yearns to be.” Huh? Swipe left. I swipe left for unfortunate typos, such as “I want to take you horse ridding.” I don’t like it when a guy states his height and then says something like, “Since that seems to matter to so many of you on here!” No to insecurity and spelling that inspires horse genocide. Don’t tell me what not to be (drama queen!); you’ll sound like you have serious baggage. Finally, don’t waste characters writing captions like, “That baby is my nephew.” An online dating profile is no place for a picture of someone else’s baby.
A Few More Do’s
What should you write in your online dating profile to increase your chances of a match? My first and best advice comes from my friend Kate’s article in Hypocrite Reader about her experience on Tinder. Write a list of things you like, followed by one fun or silly thing you don’t like. It’s a conversation starter. Here’s an example:
I like foraging for mushrooms, Warriors games, Friday Night Lights and frying chicken. I don’t like croutons.
Tell it like it is. Write that you’re 5´7˝ and that you’re recently separated and have two kids, and that Facebook is to blame for your age being listed as 28, even though you’re actually 40. Nobody likes to find this stuff out on the first date. I’m not a fan of facial hair, so when one guy wrote, “Monthly commitment keeps me from growing a beard again,” it caught my eye. He was mysterious (beardless cult? skincare commercials?) and different from the Bay Area lumbersexuals I was used to.
Suggest an adventure. Write that you’d like to check out Hoodslam or go on a trip to Vallejo. If you write, “Let’s meet at the city’s best whiskey bar,” you’ll attract a whiskey imbiber with opinions. That’s hot, right?
I like it when a guy includes his Meyer’s Briggs type because I can refer to this Thought Catalog article I keep on my phone. The article is always right.
Even though that article says INTJs are single because they “over-analyze social interactions to the point where it seems easier to just avoid them altogether,” this guy is self-aware, believes in peace, has a good job, is sporty and outdoorsy, and is close with his family. Yes, please!
Be Canadian and willing to marry me so I don’t have to live in this shithole country anymore.
Talk about travel, but be specific and not too pretentious. For example, I went on a date with a guy who wrote, “I’m going to race a tuk tuk across India for charity.” I definitely want to see him again when he returns from this odyssey, sore tuchus and all.
Be Canadian and willing to marry me so I don’t have to live in this shithole country anymore. If you can’t be Canadian, at least be in possession of “Midwestern values.” If you can’t be from Waterloo or Wisconsin, be an adorable smartypants. Use words like “geektastic” to describe yourself, mention how much you miss the Scholastic Book Fair, or exclaim, “Go science!”
Quotes can be very alluring. I always swipe right for “Clear eyes, full heart, can’t lose!” Trying to stay positive here, but don’t make a quote your whole entire profile. I haven’t taken an English class in ages, and I don’t want to do a literary analysis on some Rumi or Winston Churchill.
It’s no secret that women are attracted to men who can make them laugh. Make your own joke in your own way, and someone will LOL and swipe left. I was charmed when a guy wrote, “I love Paul Newman movies and sandwiches, in that order.” I want to watch Cool Hand Luke and devour a meatball sub with this person.
Finally, express positivity, happiness and energy in your profile. I’m down for a date with Mr. Zesty.
Show your profile to a woman before you post. Trust me.
