If there ever were a place to run into anyone and everyone from San Francisco, it’s at the Outside Lands Music and Art Festival. Named after the eponymous sand dunes that inhabited the area in the 19th century (what in present day we would call an “up and coming” neighborhood), the festival is only nine years old — fairly young in the world of festivals. In terms of size, it’s no Coachella or Burning Man (is that still considered a festival?), but it’s a gluten-free, organic slice of San Francisco culture. And no matter which land you find yourself in (beer, wine or eco), or which dusty hill you perch yourself upon, you’ll find any or all of the following characters. These are the 11 people you will meet at Outside Lands:
1) The One Who Thinks She’s at Coachella
Flower crowns, fringe, fake-leather booties and other things that begin with an “F.”
How to deal with this: Let her frolic in her faux-festival glory. Chances are she’ll be wearing some guy’s windbreaker by 6:00 p.m.
How NOT to deal with this: Put used-up joints on top and see if she notices. She probably will, and she will not like it.
2) The Guy Who Came Only for Beerlands
This is the only lineup he cares about, and he’s front and center stage of each beer stall, double-fisting a Black Sands and a Fort Point…at 11:00 a.m.
How to deal with this: Ask him about which beers he likes and why so you can use the knowledge to impress your friends or significant other later on in line.
How NOT to deal with this: Double-fist the beers you snuck in and burp loudly in his direction with your Bud Light Lime breath. This isn’t Bay to Breakers.
3) The Food “Influencer”
She’ll be cheers-ing her chopsticks because #foodintheair, or else she’ll be crouched over four plates of food that she’ll definitely not eat because #onthetable.
How to deal with this: Ask if you can eat the food when she’s done taking photos, because let’s be real — she’s not eating anything with #carbs.
How NOT to deal with this: Shake the table violently, and then ask if you can eat the food once she’s done taking photos. You do not want to feel the wrath of a food blogger who’s messed up her Insta Story.
4) The One Who Thinks He’s at EDC
Lots of gyrating dance moves interspersed with “This is my 10th time seeing Above & Beyond!!!!!”
How to deal with this: Slowly sidle out of dance range and enjoy the music from your more comfortable, head-bobbing section (which is usually 25 feet to the right of the sound stage).
How NOT to deal with this: Respond with your own gyrating moves interspersed with “This is my 14th time seeing Above & Beyond!!!!!” — unless it is, in which case, damn, you do you.
5) The Duo Who Didn’t Pay for a Ticket
Climbed the fence and bribed a mounted policeman with a fat joint. Periodically changed shirts to make sure he wasn’t recognized by other security guards.
How to deal with this: Compliment them on their slick infiltration plan (they seem like the kind of guys who would appreciate the word “slick”), and ask to take a drag of one of their joints.
How NOT to deal with this: Loudly complain how you paid hundreds of dollars to get in while these fools just hopped the fence and…wait, that doesn’t seem like a bad idea for next year.
6) The Girl Who Didn’t Bring a Jacket (or Pants, a Scarf or Anything, Really)
Wearing head-to-toe Outside Lands gear — sweatshirt, picnic blanket, beanie — and complains shrilly that she “thought the weather would be nice — it’s a music festival.”
How to deal with this: Respond with “This is a music festival…in San Francisco…in Golden Gate Park, which, the whole world knows, is the coldest point of land on the planet in August.”
How NOT to deal with this: Not applicable. This girl had it coming.
7) Your Boss
He’ll be standing in line in front of you at Beerlands with his girlfriend, whom you’ve Facebook-stalked multiple times, and you’re already three beers in, and you’re not sure if your sunglasses are tinted enough to know if they can tell that you’re staring at them.
How to deal with this: If he doesn’t see you, great! If he does, play it cool. Just play it realllllllllllyyyy cool.
How NOT to deal with this: Make a weird comment about how you might work from home on Monday because you’re going to lose your shit listening to the Tribe set. Work-life balance, bro.
8) Your Ex Boyfriend from Two Years Ago with His New Girlfriend
He’ll be a few rows in front of you watching the artist you introduced him to with a girl who looks strangely like you but is four years younger.
How to deal with this: Look hot AF no matter what. You knew this would probably happen, so you may as well look fine as hell for it.
How NOT to deal with this: Rage-/drunk-text him about how you hope he’s happy with his new younger girlfriend. You don’t hope that. And why do you still have his number in your phone, anyway?
9) The One Who’s Mastered BYOB
As you head over to the Heineken stall, he’ll guard your table and pull out a baguette from his backpack, which he’s hollowed out and stuffed with a fifth of whiskey. Well played.
How to deal with this: Buy his margherita pizza in exchange for a handle pull. This is just like college again!
How NOT to deal with this: Invite all your other friends to take swigs from his fifth. Don’t take advantage of this man’s genius.
10) Your Roommate
But not the roommate you like — rather, the one who never does the dishes and has way-too-loud sex and forgets to lock the front door and, UGH, why is she even here right now?
How to deal with this: Say/wave hey and glide away. This is not a time for passive aggression.
How NOT to deal with this: Say “Hey, I think you left your beer cups all over the table back there. I guess you feel really at home at OSL.” This is not the time for passive aggression.
11) Your Friend’s Mom and Dad
They may not understand how to take Uber, but the Who are playing, and dammit, the Who are amazing, and they haven’t seen them since the ’70s.
How to deal with this: Ask them what their favorite Who song is, and let them buy you a beer, because festival parents are the best.
How NOT to deal with this: Tell them how you just hopped the fence and bribed a mounted policeman with a joint so you didn’t have to pay for a ticket. Would they like one?
