We Asked San Franciscans
It’s been 20 minutes and counting. Just as I think I’m going to fully lose feeling in my toes, the 28 Muni bus screeches toward me, and with Clipper Card in hand, I am well on my way home.
Something about this bus is unlike the rest. Out of nowhere, a mustache-clad Millennial starts leading his posse in a rendition of R. Kelly’s “Ignition (Remix).” Instead of scoffing at the public disturbance, the whole bus begins singing and dancing along with them; it’s pure magic.
This definitely was not a dream. I saw a grandma clap along to “It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby. I’m about to have me some fun.” And getting from point A to point B was a whole lot better with the right tune.
I asked San Franciscans who take Muni to tell me their strangest public transportation stories, and it was totally worth the $2.25.
Though Shall Not Pass
Pierce Lou
“This morning I was on the 29 bus, and I’m not sure what made this happen, but I noticed everyone stop all of a sudden. Then I saw this girl run and stand in front of the bus, and when the driver was trying to go around her, she would move toward it so it couldn’t go around. She looked so pissed off, but eventually, she got out of the way.”
Handicap Seating
Richard Gambino
“So you know how they have all those front seats reserved for disabled people and senior citizens? Well, one time it was really crowded and actually full of people who needed to sit down. And when this older woman came on, someone started yelling at the people sitting down, saying to get up for her. Then a blind man who was sitting down stood up and said, ‘Well, she can have my seat.’ I have never seen so many legitimately disabled people in those seats.”
Photoshop Phun
“I was on the M once, and there was a guy sitting next to me who had a photo-editing app open, and he was Photoshopping a picture of his own asshole—like, a close-up. Once he had finished doing the color correction, he went and posted it on his dating profile.”
Don’t Touch My Girl
Alexis Songer
“I was on the Muni, and a man got on with a completely disassembled female mannequin. But it wasn’t one from a department store; it was really lifelike and looked soft and fleshy. He put every piece of the body on a different seat, and as the bus started to fill up, people were looking at the seats with the body parts, trying to sit there. The man would scream at them, and he chased a few people off the bus. Then one guy got on and walked right up to the seat with the mannequin head, picked it up and sat in the seat with the head on his lap. The man who owned it went completely ballistic and started screaming, ‘Don’t touch my girl!’ Then the guy just got up, smiled, put the head back on the seat and found another place to stand. The entire train was silent, and no one went anywhere near any part of her for the rest of the ride.”
Just Another Manic Muni
Angela Daly
“I was taking the L into Montgomery station, and there was this man holding a big, sharp wooden stick and going back and forth between the different cars. I was so scared, and literally no one else was reacting to it besides me. Afterward, I texted my sister. She lives in New York and was just, like, ‘Oh, that’s an everyday occurrence.’”
X Rated
Carlos Mendoza
“The strangest thing I’ve seen on Muni was someone getting…fingered. Ah, what’s a more appropriate way to word that? Engaging in anal pleasure? It was on the way to the Folsom Street Fair. We weren’t even going to it; I think we were going downtown for brunch or something. So a lovely couple was standing up, and one guy was putting his back toward [his partner], and I was like, aw, maybe they’re just being cute and hugging or whatever, but then I started noticing the guy in front was making that pleasure face, ya know? And at first, I was like, oh my God, there is no way he’s getting, like, full on — no, there is no way. But then I realized the guy in the back was making that hand gesture.”
Hot Box
Kimberly Weymer
“One time, when I first moved to the city, I saw this guy smoking a blunt on the 38, and it made the whole bus smell like weed. No one said a single thing because he also seemed kind of crazy and was harassing people. He even said the only reason he was riding the bus was because he got a DUI and couldn’t drive.”
Gone Bananas
Anonymous
“I was riding the bus, and a woman was standing on the top part, up the stairs with two full bags of groceries. As we made a big turn, the woman lost her footing, and all the contents of her bags started rolling down the stairs and around the bus. The entire bus began frantically trying to collect all the produce rolling everywhere. It was the funniest thing watching children crawling under bus seats to pick up heads of broccoli and a grandma trying to stop an orange with her feet. Eventually, all the runaway produce was collected and returned to the lady. Probably a few bruised apples, but a hilarious commute.”
Seat Selfish
Greta Hammerstrom
“Yesterday we were on the bus, and there was this older lady, and she started screaming, ‘Fuck you. You’re such an asshole,’ over and over to this guy who was sitting in a chair with his kid. She was, like, ‘How dare you not give me the seat?’—blah blah blah. She was just cussing all over the place at him. And there was an open seat right next to them; it made no sense. For the entire 30-minute ride, she was yelling at this guy and his child; it was so crazy.
Drug Drama
Mathew Slopecki
“OK, so we were on the 49, and I noticed this guy in the back making some noise and rattling around. Then I saw him start pushing stuff into a needle and shoot up heroin. We moved quite quickly after that, but it was really shocking. I had never seen that before.”
Crime and Pastries
Jared Grigsby
“OK, this is a really crazy story. There were a few people riding, and we were all sitting pretty separately, and someone came in and stole this one girl’s phone. As we got to Van Ness, he just grabbed it and ran out. She went and chased after him, and we all went to help her. The guy was holding it above her head for some reason. It was really weird. We got it back, and it was a cool experience, because it brought us all closer. We were all talking about it, having a really good time, conversing and getting to know each other for the rest of the ride. There was this one guy who happened to work at Starbucks and had this big bag of pastries. And he was, like, ‘You guys are so cool. Do you want these pastries?’ Who knew we would all become friends from helping that girl get her phone back.”
The Next Hillary
Hannah Kaplan
“One time I got on Muni and made the mistake of pulling out my apple to eat—far from the most flattering fruit to bite into. I didn’t even have time to swallow the first bite before this man sitting across from me said, ‘Ooooo, girl, you bite that apple! Look at you go. Are y’all seeing this?’ (talking to everyone on Muni while my face went tomato red). He then nudged the attractive man sitting next to him and said, ‘You better ask her out or something. You better do it. I’m telling you, look at her. She gonna be the next Hillary Clinton.’ The poor man and I both had red faces at that point, and everyone on Muni was silently laughing at this spectacle. That went on until I made the executive decision to get off two stops early. I’ve never been so uncomfortable and hungry at the same time.”
