This morning I woke up and, after scanning the social media landscape, felt overwhelmed by a chorus of pessimism: lamentations for the year 2016; fear for our plunge into apocalyptic climate change; family upset over the choice of “futuredad69” as my Instagram handle. As we transition into a new year, there simply isn’t much cause for celebration.
Which is exactly why now, more than ever, it is imperative that we stand together and transform historic Lombard Street into the world’s curviest slip ’n’ slide.
Historically, when the going gets tough, civilizations have pulled together to accomplish incredible feats. Consider the Miracle on Ice in the 1980 Winter Olympics; Martin Luther King Jr.’s March on Washington for Jobs and Freedom; the recording of U2’s seminal album All That You Can’t Leave Behind. Now, in these bleak times, people are asking, “What next? What could possibly lift our spirits while simultaneously reigniting our childlike sense of appreciation for the world around us?”
The answer, friends (Romans, etc.), is the Lombard Street Slip ’N’ Slide — a highly ambitious yet irrefutably dignified project. I urge you to envision this utopian future with me:
Imagine, while walking home from work, you stop by the corner store to pick up a popsicle, and as you approach the cashier to pay for the aforementioned ’sicle, she looks at you with a perplexed expression on her face. You ask, “How much?” and she grasps your hand and implores, “Have you not heard? Since the completion of the slide, currency has lost all value. Worth is now derived by the measure of one’s childlike appreciation of the world, as prognosticated in paragraph 5 of a credulous and brilliant freelance writer in the now-lionized publication The Bold Italic, an online magazine that celebrates the character and free-wheeling spirit of San Francisco and the Bay Area.” Somehow, you failed to notice that as the clerk was enlightening you, she walked you out of the market, across the laughter-filled street and to the foot of the sublime Lombard Street Slip ’N’ Slide, where families, politicians and U2’s Bono are standing, hand in hand, rejoicing in the beauty of another perfect day. All because of this, the eighth wonder of the world.
Yeah, doesn’t sound all that bad, now does it? But it can’t be all ’sicles and waterworks right away — which is exactly why you should all sign my petition to the city council, donate to my Kickstarter and share this article on each and every social media account you manage. Only a few clicks and $40,000 is all that separates us from a brave new world. Don’t let 2017 be a continuation of the bad, horrible no-good snowball that was 2016 — paradise is just one waterslide away.
