Being single on Valentine’s Day tends to suck. If you’re a human being who can hear and see, the holiday’s relentless marketing is going to find you and make you feel like the little match girl looking through the window of a family’s massive holiday dinner, shivering in the cold.
But let’s get some perspective here. Thanks to the pandemic, odds are that on Valentine’s Day, you’ll be inside, nice and warm in PJs, and sitting on the couch enjoying your third round of bingeing Fleabag while eating Chinese takeout leftovers. Sounds like a pretty decent evening!
Obviously, you’re still allowed to be pissed about this upcoming bullshit holiday, but if you find yourself getting maudlin, I have a list to help you snap out of it. Things could be a lot worse, like a lot a lot. So whenever you feel yourself starting to wallow, try to remember, at least Mitch McConnell isn’t your uncle. Unless he is, in which case, you have all of my sympathies.
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- Unending wildfires
2. Brain tumors
3. Someone not wearing a mask and standing too close to you while in line at the store coughs in your hair
4. Getting a paper cut on your tongue while trying to mail a parking ticket fee
5. Watching your phone die when it was just at 30%
6. Desperately needing to take a dump while stuck in gridlock traffic
7. White supremacy
8. A case of severe Covid-19
9. Someone you love having a case of severe Covid-19
10. Trying to get a new toothbrush out of its plastic packaging
11. Being a fact-checker for one of Trump’s speeches
12. Dropping your last piece of cake on the floor
13. A gas leak
14. Mitch McConnell being your uncle
15. Splitting a brand new pair of jeans while trying them on
16. When someone says “bless you” before you’ve even sneezed and, in turn, stops you from sneezing
17. Desperately having to pee at a rest stop that only has one toilet without a seat and a wicked strong flusher
18. Biting down on a grain of sand that found its way into your salad
19. Cannibalism
20. Getting peed on during goat yoga
21. One of those painful chin pimples that hasn’t surfaced yet, but you know it’s coming
22. Opinion pieces about opinion pieces
23. Watching someone pick their nose generously and then rub it on a public surface, like a bench or ATM machine
24. Gonorrhea
25. The gender wage gap
26. Getting the middle seat on a transcontinental flight
27. Watching someone going at least 100 mph after you’ve been pulled over for doing nine over the speed limit
28. The polar ice caps melting
29. Racism
30. Getting an IUD
31. Dropping hot soup on your crotch
32. Seeing the same commercials in the same order on your streaming service forever
33. Dementia
34. No-carb diets
